Christmas

Seriously, I think Christmas was marked with a giant black 'X' for me...

Hubby and I had a wonderfully relaxing few days in California with my in-laws and arrived home around 10ish on Christmas Eve.

Yesterday morning started off well. Everything was super quiet though and I had spoken to hubby about how much I missed the kids being young at Christmas. When your youngest is 17, there really just isn't the same excitement over the festive period. Plus, Christmas here in the US is so very different from back home in England. Here Christmas was yesterday and today is Monday, in England, Christmas was yesterday,  today is Boxing Day, and tomorrow will be a bank holiday because Christmas was on a Sunday and Boxing Day was on a Monday, and then people will still hold onto their Christmas Spirit right through until the New Year! Here, so many people will take down their trees today and it will be like the whole event never happened - I don't like that!

I figured a quiet day was probably not really a bad thing. The boys were all doing their own thing and seemed happy enough. I looked at some photography stuff and felt a little 'meh' but that was ok. We had decided on a really low-key dinner of smoked Prime Rib and Leg of Lamb, so early in the afternoon my hubby lit up the smoker and threw the meat in. One thing I really love is the smell of meat smoking. I rustled up some quick veggies to accompany the meat and we had a dinner all of us were happy and content with.

It wasn't until we started to play Scrabble that things turned nasty! Oldest son didn't really want to play and so decided to make snide remarks to his brother all the way through the game. Hubby and I were continually telling him to stop, but no, he carried on until his younger brother reached boiling point and left the table. After this, all hell broke loose. Youngest son has bi-polar disorder and refuses to take any form of medication to help with his mood swings or 'cycling'. This goading by his brother led to an outbreak of rage quite unlike any I have seen, and Youngest son was screaming at me and slamming doors while his older brother retreated to his bedroom. The whole situation escalated to the point where I lost my cool and forced both the boys to listen to a few home truths from Momma! Little did I know at this point that my youngest was actually in the throws of some sort of psychotic break, and he retreated inside his own head and when he returned to us, had no idea what had really gone on.

I could go into more detail but I am so emotionally and physically drained from the whole thing that right now I am not thinking 100% clearly. I know that Christmas is definitely over, despite hubby telling me that we will make today a wonderful day. I feel like crawling inside my own head and disappearing right now.

I think we will revisit this when the dust in my brain has settled and I can see and focus more clearly. One thing I know for sure is that life with my boys is NOT going to carry on like it has been for any longer. I cannot make them like each other and want to spend time together, but I will have civility and they will not carry on with this thing of winding each other up any longer. As I said to them last night - I did not protect them from the abuse of my ex, and put myself through all that pain, just so they could destroy each other anyway!

It's just not happening.

Christmas is offically over in this household.

Do people deliberately not check stuff out?...

Seems I am seeing more posts from people where they blindly repost something they see on the internet, or get sent via email, and it never enters their head to check out the validity of the items before they post.

I seriously thought people were joking when they said "it's on the internet, therefore it must be true", but it seems more and more that people actually do believe something, just because it was posted on the web somewhere!

Seems the world has gone crazy and lost their ability to use 'google' to check out the validity of items. Even better they could use something like 'snopes' which will go so far as to break items down and let you know if parts are true or false or if a whole article is true or false...But, no - why bother checking out something when you can just blindly report something. That is obviously the intelligent thing to do! (not)

Only this morning I received an email stating how the ACLU is trying to stop active duty soldiers from praying, and how we need to stop things like this happening! Well that would be well and good if the ACLU was actually doing this, but it took me approx 30 seconds to discover that this is not what they are doing, and that this was something that was first started, 6 years ago to discredit the ACLU, and for some reason known only to crazy people, has resurfaced this year! The person who sent it to be, is someone I have the utmost respect for, a very intelligent person. I have replied to their email and given them the link to the article which explains that the accusations against the ACLU are false. I may well upset them by doing this, but to me it is far more upsetting to circulate something that is factually incorrect, than it is to point out the error. 

A Facebook acquaintance recently posted, a list of Muslim acts of terrorism and then defied anyone to find similar acts conducted by Christians, because she truly believed that Christians did not commit acts of terrorism. While I did not take pleasure in reading the posts that ensued, I felt so relieved that this lady was suddenly jumped on by so many people who listed Christian terrorism in history that included, The Crusades, The Holocaust, the IRA, Oklahoma City bombing and Sandy Hook school shooting to name just a few. The lady who made the original post went very quiet for a while - I suspect she was hit by a bolt of realisation at the bs she had posted!

I remember my own Dad being outraged about a Muslim parade that he had been emailed about. Apparently a Muslim group in NYC, was taking over some square in the City somewhere EVERY week to protest or celebrate something and it was totally outrageous! Once again it took less than a minute to check the facts and discover that yes, this Muslim group did take over this particular square in NYC! They just did it once a year, not once a week every week, and had been doing so for several years without any issue whatsoever! My Dad actually realised just how damaging his mistake could haven been, and became a huge advocate of Snopes, and very rarely did anything false or misleading get past him again (thank goodness).

Here in the US, I believe it is far easier for people to be misled, mainly because the country as a whole is so sheltered from what is REALLY going on in the rest of the world. The American people truly believe that they as people have rights that people in no other country have! So many have no understanding that other countries in the world, also have exactly the same rights and don't feel the need to spout about it all the time - it is just accepted as the way things are! This isn't the fault of the people, but the government that treats them like small children that need to be sheltered. As a people there are huge gaps in historical knowledge thanks to a lacking in education, and when it comes to religion, there is pretty much zero education on other cultures and religions which leads to a society that is frightened by what they do not know or understand-  and also a society that reads something online to do with another religious group and instantly believes that it MUST be true - like all Muslims are terrorists, the Holocaust never took place, and Jesus, Mary and Joseph were actually white anglo-saxons who spoke perfect English despite the fact that they lived in the middle east and so were undoubtedly brown skinned, not Christian and didn't speak English!! 

More recently over the Presidential election, there have been such huge lies told on both sides of campaigning... Apparently Hilary wanted to tear 9 month old babies from mothers wombs, when actually nowhere was that ever stated as a thing. The current law on abortion states that an abortion can only be carried out after 26 weeks if the life of the mother is directly at risk! The Democrats were in support of the current law, quoting Roe v Wade...The US laws on abortion actually are pretty much the same as they are in every other country, although now President Elect Trump may well go for a change to the current law which will ultimately put more women at risk, because it won't stop them seeking abortions, it will just bring back those 'back street abortionists' of days gone by, and women will be at risk of infections and death.

Another common discussion with the Presidential campaign is Trumps proposed wall between the US and Mexico.. I have seen so many posts about other walls in other countries, with tag lines about walls being acceptable...What people haven't checked out is why these other walls were built - the wall I keep seeing posted in Spain is only 8 miles long, the wall in Pakistan was built to help with terrorism. Point being that not all the walls being used in these posts were built to help with illegal immigrants - some were but not all; and just because one country does something doesn't make it right. It just means we are adding to what is wrong!

I could go on and on and get nowhere - the point behind this post is, check the validity of what you are posting people. Don't just blindly believe something just because it is on the internet. Information is not magical, it is posted by people, like you and me, people with opinions that they choose to share - some people are very discriminatory in their posts, some people post about stuff they have zero knowledge on. There is nothing that says that just because something is on the internet that it is true. Use your brain and check stuff out, think for yourself and have the courage to stand up for what is right and not be a sheep! But above all else, have compassion for your fellow man, as you would expect your fellow man to have compassion for you.

Angry..Sad..

Today, December 13th, 2016, is my Dad's birthday! Is it though? When someone dies does the day of their birth become insignificant, overtaken by the day of their death?

If my Dad was still alive, he would have turned 74 today. 74 in this day and age doesn't seem old to me. I joke about your 70's being 'middle-aged', partially to help me feel younger at almost 50, but with reflection now, today, on my Dad's birthday, it seems that 74 really is no age.

Did he have a good and fulfilling life - I guess so. Father to 3 daughters of which I am the eldest, Grandfather to 8 grandchildren (6 granddaughters, and 2 grandsons), Husband to my Mum for 50 years. He had a successful career and worked hard to provide for his family. We had great camping holidays in France when I was growing up and lived for a few years in another country. We were less dysfunctional than so many of my friends family's - or so it seemed. I guess that all adds up to a full life.

It was roughly 8 years ago that my Dad was first diagnosed with Cancer. Bowel or Colon cancer to be precise. He had a tumor the size of a tennis ball ,he was told, and he started a course of radiation treatments to shrink that sucker as much as possible before he had surgery. His tumor was positioned directly behind his prostate, so they were able to knock that as well with the radiation - and thank heavens for radiation because they might not have discovered the prostate were it not for that. The surgery went well and Dad had an ileostomy bag for 6 months, but then his surgeon was able to reverse it which meant he wasn't stuck with a bag forever! The bowel cancer was gone, but the prostate cancer had spread to his lymph nodes and from there it was on a super highway to where ever it wanted to go. I think in total over his 8 year battle with cancer, Dad did 8 courses of chemotherapy - each course being 10 treatments, one every 3 weeks. There were also intermittent sessions of radiation to hit key problem areas. For the most part, Dad took everything in his stride and kept pretty positive, but then he fell on the stairs and broke his neck. Flat on his back in hospital for weeks, Dad received the news that that superhighway of his lymph nodes had taken cancer right to Dad's spine. He had bone cancer and that was why he had broken his neck when he fell. They were able to hit his C1 and C2 with radiation and that calcified the cancer in the bone and actually made those discs pretty strong, but it had also spread to his ribs and to his hips. Bone cancer is obviously female, and obviously a total bitch because it is hugely painful and shows no remorse for the damage she causes. Suddenly Dad was taking additional steroids and then morphine for the pain.

I think that ultimately he made a conscious decision that he had reached his saturation point. A radiation treatment to nerves in his hips gave him some pain relief and a real hike in his steroid dose gave him some much-needed energy and he had a fabulous weekend with my Mum, my youngest sister, her children and her partner. He was able to eat foods he hadn't eaten for years, he went to watch rugby and he really had a great time with my nieces. Then after they left, he stopped eating and was hardly drinking. A conscious decision it seems to me. He went downhill, and fast that next weekend, Mum said she thought they would be ok, but my middle sister and I made the decision that we would fly back home in a few days time, so we could spend some time with Dad. That was the Friday. Saturday morning Mum rang early, and said the words I never thought would come "you need to be here now". Over 4 thousand miles from home, I needed to get there, like yesterday! My husband, bless him got on the phone and got me on a flight into Manchester via Chicago that day. I don't remember exactly what happened between that call from Mum and my getting to the airport. All I remember was my flight being delayed, and delayed and delayed, and me wondering what the hell I had done to be being punished like this. I needed to be home and I couldn't get there. 5 hours late we finally took off for Chicago, and then I had a 3-hour layover before my flight from Chicago into Manchester. I wouldn't have gotten through that 5-hour wait if it hadn't been for a wonderful man who chose to speak to me, and who realising my pain, kept talking to me the whole time we were delayed. Turns out this man was/is Pastor William Henderson, Billy as he introduced himself. He kept me focused and calm when every inch of me wanted to scream and shout and create. I will always be grateful to Billy for that day. We exchanged phone numbers and have since become friends on Facebook. Billy had been in Arkansas visiting friends, and should have been driving back to his home in Kentucky, but, because he needed to be home sooner than the drive would allow, he had chosen to fly instead of drive. Our flight delay meant that he was never going to get home when he needed to and ironically, had he of stayed with his original plan of driving back home, he would have been there much sooner than he was now going to be. Had he of driven, he would not have been there in the airport, waiting at a gate, where I was and where I needed his help. I have always said things happen for a reason, and that day I was in need of help and support and Billy was there to provide it. Like I said, I will be forever grateful to him - he kept me sane and reassured me that I would make it home in time for my Dad. He was right. I should have arrived home at 8am on Sunday, but with all the delays it was actually around 5pm in the evening. My Dad was unconscious but even so, he definitely reacted to the sound of my voice, and along with my Mum and my sisters, I sat with him and talked to him. At a little after 9pm that night, with us all there, my Dad took his last breath and passed over into whatever follows this life. I don't believe in a heaven, but I do believe in Karma and reincarnation and I hope that my Dad has been reborn as a wonderful oak tree and will continue to grow and live in his next life for hundreds of years, and be strong and sturdy. For me this is the best possible next life and one I hope to have been good enough for Karma to grant me this when my time comes.

My Mum & Dad earlier this year on the ir 50th Wedding Anniversary

That was September 18th this year, so today on his birthday my Dad has been gone for nearly 3 months - no time at all, and I feel cheated and angry.....and sad. I have said it over and over - I have a perfectly good ex-husband who was abusive and who has caused so much pain to other people - he would have been a far better candidate for death than my Dad. My Dad was a good man who worked hard and never cheated anyone - we didn't always see eye to eye, we were far too alike for that! But what did he do to deserve 8 years of pain and suffering with his cancer, when my complete bastard of an abusive ex, is living his life still. Why does he deserve to live when my Dad doesn't? I don't really wish my ex was dead, but equally I really wish my Dad was not dead. At what point in life is there ever any real justice. This past year alone, I know of far too many good people who have been dealt a shit hand, and too many shit people who continue on without retribution or remorse for their wrongdoings.

....and people wonder why I have such a hard time believing in God and such an easy time being thankful for Mother Nature and the world around me. The one lets me down every single time and the other has never ever let me down. On days like today, it's an easy choice.

Bentonville Christmas Parade

The thermometer read 23 degrees when we headed out on the motorbike this morning to meet up with  our IMRG friends and family at the local dealership, before heading into Bentonville to take part in the Annual Christmas Parade.

I was questioning my decision to ride pillion with the hubby, over driving my car in - especially since I was going to be taking photographs of the Indian motorcycles in the parade, and would be out in the cold until well after lunchtime. Still, once we had set off there really was no turning back, and it was a case of manning up and just dealing with the cold. Thank heavens for heated seats on the Roadmaster, although by the time we had made the 20-minute journey into town, my ass was definitely on the hot side, and making me feel like I had slightly pee'd my pants.. (I hadn't of course!)

The group of riders quickly headed out from the dealership to the staging point at the start of the parade, which was another 15-minute ride away. By the time we arrived and got organised, the glorious morning sunshine had been completely smothered by thick cloud cover that only served to make us all feel even colder than we already were.

Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long for the parade to start, and once we got moving the heat from the motorcycles seemed to warm the air slightly, making the whole experience much more user-friendly - especially for me since I had to ditch my warm gloves so I could take photographs. The parade circuit was no more than a mile and a half from start to finish, and there were lots of people braving the cold to line the streets, and encourage us onwards. You can imagine the noise created by a dozen big motorcycles just driving normally, add into that the desire of their riders to excite and encite the waiting crowd, and the decibel level suddenly goes up ten-fold, if not more!

One thing I can say for our friends in the IMRG - they are a great group of people who look out for each other and genuinely care about each other. We might have frozen our keesters off, but we had a real laugh, and the time really flew by - Of course by the time we got back home, I was so frozen it took me a couple of hours sitting right in front of the fire to thaw myself out and be able to feel anything again!!!

Roll on the Polar Bear ride on January 1st !!! Yeah, maybe not!

Christmas is Coming

Seems Christmas is coming whether I like it or not, and to be totally honest I have mixed emotions!

There was the initial excitement...

Followed by the realisation that my two teenage sons have reached the age where they are not super excited by Christmas anymore - you remember the one, we all go through it! Thankfully, I believe the majority of us emerge from the other side of this stage with some of that old excitement of our childhood, and, if we are really lucky, we get to keep hold of it! My boys, sadly, are in the middle of the

stage, and I really am struggling to not let their lack of Christmas spirit steal mine! My hubby keeps saying encouraging things like "let's do it for us" and reminds me that he is always excited by Christmas, and so I find myself on this rollercoaster ride towards the big day, with alternating emotions that quite frankly have me wondering if I am going insane!

I have a part decorated house - lights and ornaments on the mantlepiece, lights up around the outside of the house (blue ones, I like blue lights) and a tree - a lovely 7ft Noble fir standing in the middle of the living room floor with not a single light or ornament dangling from it's soft branches. I ask my eldest son "will you help me with the tree?" and looks at me with an expression that says "are you for real Mum?" and says "No way - too much brain damage in decorating the tree". The brain damage to which he refers is my OCD with the lights on the tree, and my OCD about the decorations being in the right place so the tree is balanced! Undeterred I go to my youngest son "are you interested in helping with the tree this year?" Half asleep because my chosen moment to ask is at 6.30 in the morning when I go to wake him for school, he mumbles "nah, not really, and I don't think I have the time with school and work Mum".

I retreat to the sofa, and sulk - there is no other way to describe it, I am sulky! I tell myself it's ok to feel this way - there are probably 100's if not 1000's of women just like me feeling exactly the same way at this very moment. Self-compassion is a new thing in my world - giving myself permission to feel the way I feel. I look into the fire, which my hubby has kept going all night, so the house will be warm and toastie this morning, I hug myself and rub my arms - the fire really does look pretty, and who cares if my boys don't want to decorate the tree? They are the ones missing out. I think back to last year (my daughter was here with us), and I smile, thinking about her always makes me smile. This year she has put up her own tree for the first time. This year she is truly happy in her world, and she is in a safe place. These are huge things. I type now and as usual when I think about my daughter, the tears start to flow. I miss her every day we are apart, and I am so very proud of the young woman she has become. She is strong and empowered, and she is where she wants to be...She has put up her tree, and I will put up mine. Maybe it doesn't matter that the boys are in the 'meh' about Christmas. If I let my excited side take over, maybe just maybe some of it will rub off on them.

I'm pausing to look at the fire again, the fire my hubby got himself up in the night to keep going for me. I am really quite lucky to have a man who will do that for me, and who I know is going out of his way to try not to let the downside of this rollercoaster ride become the only side for me. I guess I am in control of how I do this - actually, I know I am in control. It doesn't make it any easier of course, but maybe just accepting that everything Christmas isn't going to always be happy is a start. Maybe today decorating the tree will help me find a little more of the excitement - spending the time with my hubby has got to be worth it, if nothing else. 

Hello and Welcome

Hi, and welcome to the first post of my new blog "Honestly Lou" in which I hope to talk about life and my journey through it, bringing you the highs and lows in glorious technicolour and honesty!

As a technical 'adult' there may well be so called 'adult language' in the posts that follow, and I make no apology for words I may use or any upset any of my posts may cause. This will be a blog about life as I see it - it is my opinion and I cannot and will not apologise for my thoughts and feelings - it's that simple. Equally, I will not ask or expect anyone who comments to apologise for any of the thoughts or feelings they may express!

So who am I?

Well, the answer to that one is simple - I am Lou, short for Louise. 

I am Mum to 3 glorious children who I love unconditionally, but who are far from perfect, I am wife to a wonderful husband, but it took 3 attempts to get this great one! I am a photographer who refuses to conform to what society tells me I must do to make money from my art. I am also a Volunteer Fire-fighter and Emergency Medical Responder, and in the summer months you will find me working as a Tour Guide on certain days, at a local Limestone Show Cavern, just a few short miles from where I live in NW Arkansas.

I am a Warrior, who has in the past defended my children and myself, quite literally with my body, against a brutally violent attacker, namely my ex-husband, and emerged whole and victorious.

I have a confused faith - it's definitely faith and it's strong, but quite where it lies no one really knows - Mother Nature (Gaia) holds a strong place in heart, as does Kuan Yin, and then every morning I find myself asking God what my purpose is in life! My Pastor tells me I have more faith than a lot of so-called devout Christians he knows...All I am sure of is that when I go out into the woods and wander in the sound of nature around me, I am often overwhelmed by the emotion that fills me and overflows from me and I feel at peace!

The promise I make to all of you here now on this page is that as I move forward with this blog, I will be nothing other than honest, about my thoughts, feelings and opinions. I am not here to defend my opinions - I am me, and my aim is not to upset others, it is just to continue to be me, in the best possible and most honest way I can.

I hope you will come on this journey with me, and that my honesty will inspire others to be their own bare and honest selves as well.