Christmas is Coming

Seems Christmas is coming whether I like it or not, and to be totally honest I have mixed emotions!

There was the initial excitement...

Followed by the realisation that my two teenage sons have reached the age where they are not super excited by Christmas anymore - you remember the one, we all go through it! Thankfully, I believe the majority of us emerge from the other side of this stage with some of that old excitement of our childhood, and, if we are really lucky, we get to keep hold of it! My boys, sadly, are in the middle of the

stage, and I really am struggling to not let their lack of Christmas spirit steal mine! My hubby keeps saying encouraging things like "let's do it for us" and reminds me that he is always excited by Christmas, and so I find myself on this rollercoaster ride towards the big day, with alternating emotions that quite frankly have me wondering if I am going insane!

I have a part decorated house - lights and ornaments on the mantlepiece, lights up around the outside of the house (blue ones, I like blue lights) and a tree - a lovely 7ft Noble fir standing in the middle of the living room floor with not a single light or ornament dangling from it's soft branches. I ask my eldest son "will you help me with the tree?" and looks at me with an expression that says "are you for real Mum?" and says "No way - too much brain damage in decorating the tree". The brain damage to which he refers is my OCD with the lights on the tree, and my OCD about the decorations being in the right place so the tree is balanced! Undeterred I go to my youngest son "are you interested in helping with the tree this year?" Half asleep because my chosen moment to ask is at 6.30 in the morning when I go to wake him for school, he mumbles "nah, not really, and I don't think I have the time with school and work Mum".

I retreat to the sofa, and sulk - there is no other way to describe it, I am sulky! I tell myself it's ok to feel this way - there are probably 100's if not 1000's of women just like me feeling exactly the same way at this very moment. Self-compassion is a new thing in my world - giving myself permission to feel the way I feel. I look into the fire, which my hubby has kept going all night, so the house will be warm and toastie this morning, I hug myself and rub my arms - the fire really does look pretty, and who cares if my boys don't want to decorate the tree? They are the ones missing out. I think back to last year (my daughter was here with us), and I smile, thinking about her always makes me smile. This year she has put up her own tree for the first time. This year she is truly happy in her world, and she is in a safe place. These are huge things. I type now and as usual when I think about my daughter, the tears start to flow. I miss her every day we are apart, and I am so very proud of the young woman she has become. She is strong and empowered, and she is where she wants to be...She has put up her tree, and I will put up mine. Maybe it doesn't matter that the boys are in the 'meh' about Christmas. If I let my excited side take over, maybe just maybe some of it will rub off on them.

I'm pausing to look at the fire again, the fire my hubby got himself up in the night to keep going for me. I am really quite lucky to have a man who will do that for me, and who I know is going out of his way to try not to let the downside of this rollercoaster ride become the only side for me. I guess I am in control of how I do this - actually, I know I am in control. It doesn't make it any easier of course, but maybe just accepting that everything Christmas isn't going to always be happy is a start. Maybe today decorating the tree will help me find a little more of the excitement - spending the time with my hubby has got to be worth it, if nothing else.